Let's Smile (The Women)

The men had their turn; now let's let the ladies make us smile:

Erma Bombeck:

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heaving breathing again.

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

Lady Astor (who by the way was an American):

I refuse to admit that I am more than 52, even if that makes my sons illegitimate.

I married beneath me - all women do.

The only thing I like about rich people is their money.

One reason why I don't drink is because I wish to know when I am having a good time.

Tallulah Bankhead:

I'm as pure as the driven slush.

It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.

The less I behave like Whistler's mother the night before, the more I look like her the morning after.

Mae West:

I used to be Snow White... but I drifted.

His mother should have thrown him away...and kept the stork

Lily Tomlin:

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

Paula Poundstone:

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

I have no money. I don’t even have a savings account cause I don’t know my mother’s maiden name and apparently that’s the key to whole thing

."Inside [the Pop-Tarts Box] there are three pouches of two. This is what happens to me: I open the first pouch, and I eat one tart, and I enjoy it very much, as naturally I would. And then I feel, “Well, I have to eat the second one or it will go stale.” Well, now I’ve eaten two, and it’s no longer just a snack, it’s a meal. I figure I may as well eat two more. And then finally I’m just like, “Well h-ll, I don’t just want two pop tarts hangin’ out in a box.” I eat the last two just to tidy up, really’"

Dorothy Parker:

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant -- and let the air out of the tires


Nora Ephron:

Beware of men who cry. It's true that men who cry are sensitive to and in touch with feelings, but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to is their own.

 

The desire to get married, which - I regret to say, I believe is basic and primal in women - is followed almost immediately by an equally basic and primal urge - which is to be single again.

 

With any child entering adolescence, one hunts for signs of health, is desperate for the smallest indication that the child's problems will never be important enough for a television movie.

                                  Love ya'll, Shelli